The Growing Mind

Writing My Memoir & Emotional Growth


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My Book Marketing Plan Is Coming Together

blur bookcase books bookstore

(1050 words – 8 minutes read)

Being creative isn’t limited to writing even though writing is an artistic creative being. Writing is a never ending learning process. It can always improve and go deeper. But the most improvement happens when the writer shares her work with others, exposes herself vulnerably, and asks others to read her writing. Finding the right  audience interested in reading the writing, connecting with the writer, and providing feedback is not an easy job or at least it is a lot of work and needs marketing skills.

I have done many other things in my life but I never considered my personality suitable for marketing positions. I was a quality system analyst, then became a project performance analyst working with Excel sheets and databases all day. Then when I was 43, I started writing a book. I know I can learn new skills but learning many at the same time is a tall order. Needless to say, after I had my finished manuscript in hand, I started searching for opportunities to publish it. No matter what route of publishing I take, traditional or self publishing, I need a marketing plan. A marketing plan is an important part of a book proposal to send to agents. It becomes even more important when you decide to self-publish.

The first article I read about creating a book marketing plan sounded like gibberish. The second and third ones didn’t add more to my understanding. I attended workshops and read more about it. After a while it started hitting me and my understanding level of book marketing started to climb. I know there is still a long way to go and although I have a draft of a plan, it will be modified daily as I learn more about it. I am enjoying the process as overwhelming as it is, and trying to constructively use my previous skills to get a hang of this part of life.

The most important question a writer needs to answer is who is her target audience. The million dollar question!

So here is where my journey led me after tons of research.

The most reliable website about publishing and book marketing I found is Jane Friedman website and the ones she recommends. I bought her book The Business of Being a Writer too. It is a good source book for me.

I had a preliminary answer to the most important question, as I was working on the draft. My memoir is about me growing up in Iran dealing with dictatorship of the Islamic regime and the authoritative, male-dominant culture. My target audience was people who liked similar books about Iran and the Middle East especially focused on women’s lives. But this is as vague as it sounds. There are thousands of Iranian-Americans who left after the revolution and lived abroad and are now curious to know how life was for those who stayed in Iran longer. This group is easier to reach out to. My marketing plan needs to address the tasks of getting to know these people and getting their attention to my story.

After reading many articles, listening to many podcasts, and watching YouTube videos, based on a suggestion Jane Friedman has in several useful articles, here is a rough draft of my marketing plan. Bear with me. It still needs a lot more work as I learn more.

  1. Do I need a Website? Yes. I am going to use www.wix.com.
  2. What social media do I want to use to build followers? I am going with Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and will create an Instagram account later.
    1. In Goodreads I try to connect with people who read similar books.
    2. I am also creating my Goodreads Author webpage.
  3. What is an efficient way of using the social media? Using associated hashtags in my story and work, following my potential readers, offering what I can (more than marketing), and having an honest and earnest presence.
  4. How do I build credentials? I will apply for book prizes that I am qualified for.  I have written personal essays and submitted them to magazines and popular related blogs. I will write more and will submit more.
  5. What is my target number for sale? I am targeting 1000 books in the first year.
  6. Do I have a robust budget for publicity? No, I will try to do my best. I hear publicity including hiring a publicist can cost up to $25K. Jane Friedman suggests “For $1,500, you could hire a skilled publicist, with an excellent network of contacts, for probably one month to help garner mainstream media attention.”
  7. What publicity strategies will I use?
    1. I will reach out to indie bookstores and will plan a book tour starting with the Washington DC area and then the rest of the East Coast. Indie Bound provides information about the location and information of indie bookstores in the U.S.
    2. I will ask some authors whose writing I connect with if they would be willing to read my book and provide a review.
    3. I will reach out to my Goodreads friends (1300 now) and will ask if they would be willing to read my book and provide a review.
    4. I am thinking about using some online marketing tools such as Facebook and Instagram ads as well as websites like New in Books and Written Word Media. These websites are recommended by Joanna Penn. Joanna offers great advice for indie authors.
    5. I will reach out to podcasts and radio channels to apply for an interview.
    6. I will pitch to journalists to try to get my words to the press. I have not used www.helpareporter.com but will give it a try.
    7. Last but not least, I will reach out to libraries and colleges to see if I can have any events for book reading. There are different student organizations in each college that might like to open an event for an author to talk about her book.

Seems like A LOT of work! I will try to do my best to make it fun and learn from this process. The most exciting part of it is connecting with other people and sharing my story. May sharing my story encourage others to share their stories. We will understand each other and our differences better when we know about each other’s stories. Everyone has many untold stories.

Celebrate life!

Shabnam

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Photo Credit: Clem Onojeghuo on Pexel.com

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Finishing It Brought Me Down, I Needed to Dance It Out

Salsa Dancing

517 words  (5 minutes read)

The bitter-sweet feeling of sending the last chapter of my memoir to my wonderful editor Mathina Calliope and then go dance with her was an interesting experience.  Mike and I got to the dance club earlier. When Mathina got there, I ran to her and we hugged tightly.

“I will be sad too. I miss it. I loved reading and editing your story.” She said looking at my gloomy face.

“Oh, I am not going to stop writing. I already started working on editing the first draft of my second book. But finishing the FIRST book is a different feeling. You know you will be my forever coach.”

Since it was our second attempt at Salsa dancing with no previous training, Mike and I felt self-conscious. Due to the mood of the day, I felt weird and was not even enjoying my own made up Persian-Salsa fusion either. We gave up on dancing and started watching people dancing skillfully.

“Salsa is a sexy and technical dance. The dancer feels sexy and creative.” Mathina’s boyfriend Inti explained to us.

I thought, awesome combination. I wish I could experience it.

After Inti explained some of the techniques to me, I started watching the dancers carefully. In the beginning everyone danced differently to me but learning about different techniques, I started realizing the moves and then the dancers’ facial expression. It felt they were in high spirit. I started understanding why they dance and why they want to dance skillfully. Developing skills and using them is such a joy.

Writing doesn’t make me feel sexy but the joy of writing (including learning about writing) lifts my soul and makes me feel my being. Developing creativity and practicing it through writing over the past three years has taught me similarly rhythmic moves. It is just that my soul dances with words and the more skillful, the deeper the joy it brings.

The fact that I have become brave enough to write reviews for books I read in Goodreads is an accomplishment for me. The fact that I have something to say about the writing style of the author, the structure of the book, the wisdom that the story offers, and even about the crafting helps me see how writing created more consciousness in me. Learning to write was my way of soul-searching, making me capable of putting stories and people in perspective, accepting people for who they are, looking at them through their rhythmic moves throughout their lives and helped me become more compassionate. In short, taking steps towards living life fully.

It’s time to start looking for publishers and promoting my book. As nervous as I am, I believe this part of the process will be complementary to the writing. It will help me develop other skills such as standing my ground and speaking my mind to the level that I can even voice the unvoiced people.

Publishing processes here we come. I am nervous but ready!

P.S to feel sexy, Mike and I are thinking about learning Salsa dancing… 😊

 

Celebrate Life!

Shabnam

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/


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The Journey of Writing Took Me to Tampa for AWP 2018

29027392_10215455600284568_7833725541348802560_o1312 words (10 minutes read)

Excited, nervous, and prepared, I was sitting on the sofa in our hotel room waiting for Mike to get ready and take me to Tampa Convention Center. Going to my first AWP (Association of Writers and Writing Program), I felt like a little girl going to a new school wondering who her new friends will be. I got there a little late and also found out I had gone to the wrong building for the panel I wanted to listen to. But soon I figured it out and the marathon started. I ran from one panel to another and found my way to the book fair too. It was so much fun. My Fitbit celebrated thousands of steps I had taken by the end of the day. I was so tired that I had to skip the evening parties provided by AWP. Mike picked me up around 7:15. We had a nice dinner in downtown Tampa, enjoyed the atmosphere of the downtown with so many of local and conference people hanging around enjoying the chilly but not cold night by the ocean. Despite how tired I was, I was chattering the whole time telling Mike how much I enjoyed my day. At the end of the night, I don’t remember when my head touched the pillow.

The second day, Mike was ready earlier than me to get me there as soon as possible. This time, going to AWP felt like going to an amusement park for me. Listening to the smooth beautiful literary pieces written and read by academic professors took me up the roller coaster causing excess release of dopamine and Oxytocin in my body. Learning how network building could be easier when you are in touch academically and how far I am from it took me down the roller coaster releasing a lot of cortisol. The overall outcome was excitement and thrill.

I went to Tampa with no intention of going back to school and came back thinking about attending an MFA program. The academic panel talks were so inspiring. I have learned a lot about writing and literature during the past two and a half years, but attending these panels made me think I have no direction in my learning process. I am determined to improve my literary writing skills, but self-teaching is not as easy as I thought. I have been walking a zig-zag path, and found lots of gaps in my learning process. It’s time to give a frame to my learning process under the monitor of experts. The joy of being a student again and learning more, this time about a subject I love – literature and literary writing – felt so strong. Will I do it?

AWP offers a vast range of panels, talks, and discussions. I had two major categories for my personal pursuit in mind, non-fiction writing skills and the business of selling a book. I tried to carefully pick a few panels and lectures among the hundreds that were offered. I did end up leaving a few talks after 10 minutes to run to another one. Overall, I had a great first experience. At the end I felt overwhelmed and it felt good. I had reached my goal. Exhausted but with a big smile, I walked out. Mike was waiting for me to give me a big supportive, congratulating hug.

Here is a summary of my take away from AWP 2018:

Writing Skill Development (focused on non-fiction/memoir/personal essay)

  • To write a memoir the writer needs to write a story rather than explaining the situation (recommended Vivian Gornick, The Situation and The Story). To do this we need:
    • To add dimensions to the basic story that explains the situation. Reflections and lessons learned make the story readable.
    • To focus on memories, we remember. As Philip Graham mentioned, stories in our minds cast a shadow. That is what needs to be revealed in a memoir.
    • And, by researching and adding the history, we bring a broader approach to our story.
  • The writer needs to be able to answer this question: why should anyone but me want to read my book? To write a good memoir is to have a good answer to SO WHAT?
  • There are many selves in a personal essay or a memoir. The main ones are the remembering self (the now narrator self), and the remembered self.
    • The remembering self is the wiser one that adds the reflections and answers the SO WHAT question. It is the one who finds the patterns of the memories.
    • The remembered self is the one who talks about the memories, the main ingredient of the story.
  • There are parts of a memoir we hesitate to write. Those parts might make us face a negativity about ourselves (a shadow) that we don’t want to know. Those are the parts that need to be written carefully and non-judgmentally.

My Picks @ Business of Selling a Book

Jeffrey Lependorf brought up the highlight for marketing. He emphasized to make sure you don’t market at, instead you need to share what you are doing and what you have to offer.

Before publishing the book

  • Even if you are not ready to send query letters out, try to write one. It helps you find the main theme of your story and will keep you focused. Jane Friedman offers good advice in her blog.
  • Submit short pieces to literary magazines
  • Open an account in goodreads.com
  • Write literary reviews for books in goodreads.com
  • Seek Blog Hosts who will accept your blogs
  • Host others in your blog, if you have one
  • Every author needs a website, even a very simple one.
  • Multimedia such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are not required for everyone.
  • Try to build your literary network by reaching out and focusing on small groups, not everyone. Be specific when choosing your audience!
  • One way to ask for blurbs for your book is writing an honest fan letter to your favorite author and ask them to return the favor. Explain to them why they are among your favorite authors. Some publishers help with this as well.
  • The panel offered by Pitch Wars organization was very helpful to understand what really needs to be in a query letter. This organization has a contest and reviews the entire manuscript for the winners of the contest in two and half months. The dates are in their website.
    • They expect to see these items in the query letter:
      • The theme of the story
      • Establishing your main character
      • What are the stakes for your character
      • Why you are the right person to write this book
      • Comparative titles (not the best sellers and not too old)
      • In a query letter to an agent, you can also mention why you selected that agent.

Marketing After Publishing the Book

  • The marketing responsibilities vary from publisher to publisher, but at the end the author has the responsibility for reaching out to the right communities to find the most interested audience.
  • Finding organizations related to your book subject. Cooking? Disabilities? Exotic Cultures? Illnesses? Religions?
  • Find out if you can get an opportunity for a NPR interview related to your story or related to other interesting subjects of your life.
  • Take the Author Questionnaire (provided by your publisher) seriously and fill it out with clear and thorough explanations about yourself.
    • The information you provide in the Author Questionnaire helps your publisher find the right audience for you.
    • In the application don’t leave out your birth date since it is very important when appling for different prizes. Your publisher needs it.
    • Jane Friedman offers a sample of an Author Questionnaire in her website.

List of a Few Magazines for Non-Fiction submission in the U.S

BER

Minerva Rising Press

Hippocappus Magazine

Yorick

BatCat Press

Orion Magazine

The Southampton Review

 

Celebrate life!

Shabnam

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Picture Credit: Shabnam Curtis


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Writing Retreat

the porches

(671 words – 5 minutes reading)

Sitting at a porch of a writing house called “The Porches” right by the James River in Virginia far from the crowded cities, listening to birds singing and cows mooing, watching the clouds moving on top of the mountains, and writing, feels so relaxing, exciting, and fulfilling at the same time.

I am here with three other wonderful writers for four days. We are having a great time separately and together. “The Porches” is a three story house with five guest rooms. Staying in our rooms or using the beautiful porches and other parts of the house, we write during the day and whenever we run into each other, we exchange encouraging words.

“How is your writing going?”

“Fantastic! I’ve been writing for two hours non-stop. Isn’t it so great to be here?”

“It is great! I feel so happy. However, I am working on a new blog post. It is about a philosophical subject and the progress is very slow. I feel stuck.”

“Maybe you should switch to something else and get back to this later. Have you written about this writing retreat in your blog?”

“That is a great idea. I had started writing about the retreat last time I was here but never finished it. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll go back and work on it and take a break from the philosophical blog post.”

“Good luck!”

“Thank you! Enjoy your writing!”

There is no sense of superiority here. In our group, new writers and professional writers all help each other.

Dinner is our social event in the evening followed by a workshop to talk about a writing topic or have a critique session on each other’s writings. Listening to a webinar or sitting in a class trying to absorb all I can to learn more about writing, I feel exhausted after 45 minutes. Here, I can sit and talk about a writing topic until late at night after a day full of writing, and I feel my brain absorbs every word passionately and doesn’t want the session end. Wine and the background music performed by frogs we can hear through the windows help too.

I love writing and learning about writing. At home, I work on it almost every day. But the writing experience here is different. The connection to nature and the encouraging, like-minded people make me happy and my brain a lot more productive.

A while back, I was searching about human connection (heart to heart) and came across the impact of the hormone oxytocin (also called the love hormone) on our behavior. I learned how important this hormone is for human connection. The release of oxytocin makes us more compassionate, happy, and creative. Unlike the myth and old belief that only sex releases this hormone, research shows there are other ways to increase this hormone in the human body. Compassionate behavior, hugging, acts of kindness, and spending time in nature are among many other activities that increase the release of this hormone in our body. My writing retreat is a true example of this. Being among other writers and spending time in this house surrounded by pure nature, far away from the city with no cellphone signal makes me happier and therefore more creative.

The writing retreat is an amazing experience of solitude and socializing together. During the day, being alone while so close to nature and its quietness connects me to my core and helps me quiet the noise of worries and self-doubts in my brain and get access to what Eckhart Tole calls true intelligence. I don’t know the relationship between oxytocin and true intelligence, but my personal experience draws a direct correlation between these two. The connection to my core makes me more creative and focused and that helps me to create better quality writing which is very fulfilling. During the evening discussions, I learn more writing skills from other writers and apply them in my writing the day after. It is a circle of happiness. I need more writing retreats!

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Picture Credit: Shabnam Curtis


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2017 Report Card

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It has been a long time I have not been here, but I have been busy writing and learning.

It is time to wrap up 2017 and start 2018.

2017 brought me so many opportunities to learn more and write better. From joining great writing clubs in the Washington D.C area, going to writing retreats and expanding my network, to reading a variety of books and learning how to analyze a story with literary tools, this past year has paved me a wonderful path and let me expand my writing skills.

Learning more about writing a story was not the only outcome of my efforts. I also arrived at a deeper realization of how satisfying writing is to me, how it gives me the ability to focus and experience living in the flow (when during an activity, one doesn’t feel the passage of time and gain a sense of meaningfulness) and intellectual and spiritual fulfillment.

In 2017, starting my year with joining a couple of writing clubs and attending their monthly meetings was a gateway to a new world. I got to know other enthusiastic writers writing about fascinating non-fiction stories. They welcomed me in their group, and that became my support group. I looked forward to every month’s meeting to read others’ submissions or to submit my piece and get constructive feedback from them.

Then it was the writing retreat experience. A few of us in the writing club decided to do a writing retreat. “The Porches” close to Jamestown, Virginia has been our retreat place. Sitting in a quiet place in the middle of nature far from the crowded city with a limited cellphone signal was so helpful for better concentration and a clearer mind. Not only that, I also got to hang out with other writers who helped me along the way to improve. We wrote during the day, cooked dinner together, and had a workshop on what we wrote after dinner every night. It was a great experience.

I got support and encouraging feedback from this group.  One day, during the day, I was trying to see how I could remove parts of the writing without breaking the flow of the story. I was trying to cut my manuscript in half, and was not able to do it. At night sitting in the living room after dinner, drinking wine, and discussing our writings, I expressed my concern about the excessive amount of words I had written in my book and how I was not able to remove sections since the details seemed necessary. When the team came up with the idea of dividing my manuscript to two books, I was relieved. We discussed the pros and cons of it and I started thinking about the possibility. It was doable. Book one includes the story of my life in Iran covering 1978 to 2004 and book two covers my life in the U.S after my immigration in 2004 until 2015 when I started writing the book. In 2015, I ended an era of personal dissatisfaction by starting to write my memoir.

What I learned about writing had a magical impact. It changed my approach to reading. I began analyzing the story through reading. I started developing critiquing skills, something I had never learned before. Websites like Sparknotes, Shmoop, and Cliffsnotes became my favorite place for hanging out online for a while. Then on Mother’s Day, my daughter gave me two books, “The Great Gatsby” and “Sparknotes – The Great Gatsby” She explained to me how they learned to do literary critiquing in high school with those books. I was thrilled. Her support was so encouraging. Reading became a more intellectual activity too.

I also became attracted to short stories. I started reading literary magazines such as The New Yorker, The Paris Review, Harper’s magazine, and the Modern Love column in The NY Times.

To practice more writing and evaluate my writing skills, I have started writing personal essays. I have submitted one for an anthology and am waiting to hear whether my piece will be accepted in early spring of 2018. I have one that will be reviewed by my writing club in January of 2018. I am planning to submit that piece to the Modern Love column in NY Times. And I have a couple more under development. My personal essays are focused on my experience in relationships with people around me, and its undercurrent is analyzing human behavior through the universal desire of feeling connected to others and sense of fulfillment.

Reading with an analytical approach helped me to realize I was at the point that I needed professional editing on my manuscript. I received great critiques from the writing coach L. S. Lakin leading me to add 8 years to the beginning of the book. This gave a better background to the reader about how everything was built up in my youth.

As the editing of my first book is now in progress with the great help of the memoir instructor and professional editor Mathina Calliope, I am excited to start working on the publishing process.

I understand establishing a market for my book has a big role in the publishing process. Regardless of the type of publishing route – traditional or self-publishing – I choose, I need to build a platform and get my name out to readers who might be interested in my story.

I have started studying about book marketing specifically on possible markets for memoirs. One great book I am reading now is “You Should Really Write a Book”. I got to know this book through signing up for a webinar “Writing the Memoir that Can Sell: How to Attract Agents & Editors to Your Story” that will be presented by Literary Agent Regina Brooks.

I have also learned a lot about publishing and marketing through Jane Friedman’s blog and I am looking forward to the Webinar “How to Get Published: Land a Book Deal in 2018” she is offering on January 4th.

As part of getting to know other authors and publishers in the industry, I have planned a few trips to attend book festivals and conferences.

Here are a few I am planning to attend:

AWP Conference – March 2018 Tampa, FL

Virginia Festival of The Book – March 2018 Charlottesville, VA

Abu Dhabi International Book Fair – April and May 2018 Abu Dhabi, UAE

18th Library of Congress National Book Festival – September 2018 Washington D.C

Fall for the Book – September 2018 Fairfax, Virginia

International Festival of Authors – October 2018 Toronto, Canada

Sharjah International Book Fair – November 2018 Sharjah, UAE

 

To a prosperous 2018 for all of us here and there!

 

 

 

P.S. Here are a few more links to other Literature and Book fairs in the world:

Toronto Storytelling Festival – Toronto Canada

2 Seas Agencies 2018 International Book Fair

International Publisher Association Events

The 2018 Fairway Galle Literary Festival

 

 

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Picture Credit: https://pixabay.com


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Why Didn’t I Write on My Blog For a Few Weeks?

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For the past few weeks I have been restructuring my memoir. I have been focusing on a major theme trying to add the most related memories/stories and remove unrelated threads. It has been challenging but also liberating. Challenging enough that I was not able to write about it on my blog but liberating enough to fill my heart with hope for this book and even subsequent books.

I have written over 140,000 words so far and by the time I finish the draft, based on the additions required by the new structure, I will have well over 150,000 words. This is long and I have learned a memoir usually should be around 80,000 words to offer a memorable story, unless I lived Nelson Mandela’s life, but I didn’t have the privilege of being him. This means I need to focus on my theme and remove half of the words.

This all came up to answer only one question asked by an excellent writing coach, L. S. Lakin, who did a thorough critique on first 50 pages of my draft. I chewed on my nails until I received her critiques and then her first email took my breath away leaving me in despair, feeling I wrote junk. Don’t take it wrong. She was not being negative. She was asking difficult questions that I needed to answer and despite all the confidence I had about knowing what I was writing, I found out I was not clear enough. I was not able to satisfy her question with a proper answer.

This is exactly what she wrote to me: “My main concern, as is the case with all memoirs, is why you wrote this, for whom, and what benefit they would get out of this.”

Emails went back and forth between us. She was helping me get through my fear and come up with a good answer. We eventually came up with a theme that we agreed was a good focus for my story. When the email shower was over, I began to see the clouds were going away and the sun was shining on my memoir again, this time even brighter.

We came up with one major theme. I could see how that theme and the focus is going to help me cut the extra volume out of my story to give it a flow and to avoid writing a dull and confusing story.

Having an experienced coach is always a great help!

I have been continuously reading as well. Reading books like 1984 and Giovanny’s Room helped me to figure out the ambivalent feelings we Persians have experienced under the authoritative culture and oppressive government. What George Orwell called “doublethink” is the undercurrent of my story too. Especially after the Islamic government took over the power in 1979, what we experienced in everyday life forced us to accept the mutually exclusive concepts simultaneously. While a lot of us Persians didn’t believe in wearing the head scarf, we had to be careful to wear it properly to avoid being punished by the government. While we believed in freedom of speech, we censored ourselves carefully to avoid punishment as extreme as execution. While we tried to remember some good old days, we were forced to study history books representing a very different picture of the past, and then work hard to obtain an A grade on the reports we wrote. And no matter how much we resisted, fear of punishment was a constant shadow following us. Gradually, it even became part of the culture.

To focus on a clear major theme, I realized I need to show all these, but I don’t need to go through all the different layers of my life, I only need to focus on the related stories.

These were not the only outcomes of her help. It also enabled me to take a different approach or maybe a deeper approach to understand the themes of other books better. Searching and reading the book analysis available on the web and in libraries has become my everyday fun for the past few weeks. Considering I have never had any official training in English literature, I felt clueless every time I read Spark notes, Shmoop, or Cliffsnotes analysis.  I understand them now and it feels great!

I was so focused on these thoughts and subjects that every time I thought of my deserted blog, I quickly told myself I’ll do it later, I don’t know what to write now and I let it go. I knew I was swimming a little deeper in the ocean of literature and writing. I have been carefully adjusting my swimming skills in that depth. And, here I am explaining what was going on within the past few weeks. It was a breakthrough. I feel more confident and more motivated to finish this book and even to start other stories.

Writing creates such strong passion in me that I think if only I was a poet, I could express it through the density of a poem.

 

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Picture Credit: https://pixabay.com


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Writing a Memoir and Handling Memories of Closed Relationships

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(509 words – 4 min read)

I had a feeling something was missing from the first chapter of my memoir. I had a sentence or so about how my first husband and I got together. Then I wrote page after page about how the relationship declined. There were so many reasons why we got together but regardless, we were attracted to each other. There was a spark that pulled us together.

Writing a memoir is supposed to be healing and believe me it is. It is supposed to help the writer put things in perspective and look at things with wisdom, to feel better about the past. However, the way I had written my story made me feel like an idiot marrying a person who was obviously the wrong match.

Practicing self-compassion to avoid blaming myself, I though, may be not everything was as idiotic as it sounded. It just didn’t make sense. As unwise as my decision was to marry at age 19 for my type of personality, there had to be more to it. I started questioning myself why I got attracted to that person. It took me a while to admit to myself that there were good moments in the beginning that drew my attention to him. Since we had a painful divorce, I was denying any good memories. I did not want to remember them, so it was easier to think there were none. But that is what made me feel like a total failure.

One day driving home from work, listening to an older song, and drawn into my thoughts about my book, I remembered the song was my ex-husband’s favorite song. The train of memories came back. Suddenly, I remembered all the poems he wrote for me in the beginning of our relationship. I remembered he told me our relationship was provoking his thoughts and he could write a lot more poems than before. I remembered we had good memories even for a short time. I felt a lot less than a failure. I felt so much more compassion towards myself.

There is no right or wrong and under the circumstances, I became attracted to him for a good enough reason for my 19-year-old self. Then things turned out to be very difficult because we were very different. We ended up hurting each other. I am not proud of that, but I came to accept it as part of my growth process. This way he was not a total failure either. I seriously disliked a lot of his actions but not his existence. All these thoughts created a big wave of peace coming and washing over my soul. There it was a little more compassion, a little more inner peace. Building it piece by piece!

Once again, I arrived at the conclusion of looking at the big picture of each event, trying to avoid removing any of its pieces. I remembered again, life is complete with all its ups and downs. More importantly, I remembered to accept my past with all the beauty and the blemishes in the picture.

Celebrate life!

Shabnam

Editing Credit: Mike Curtis

Picture Credit: https://pixabay.com